


you've just been oversleeping

by clockworkcheetah



Series: Of Fingertips and Ribcages [1]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Asexual Todd Brotzman, Asexuality Spectrum, Bathing/Washing, M/M, Making Out, Mutual Pining, Non-Explicit Sex, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Sensuality, Sharing a Bed, Touch-Starved, complicated feelings, i broke into canon's house and pushed everything 2 inches to the left, no beta i just followed the stream of creation, pre-canon to canon to post-canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:47:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25943092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clockworkcheetah/pseuds/clockworkcheetah
Summary: Todd knows there's something wrong with him. He'll figure it out, someday.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Todd Brotzman/Dirk Gently
Series: Of Fingertips and Ribcages [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1887031
Comments: 24
Kudos: 72





	you've just been oversleeping

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was suppose to be 6k long but i got drunk of i love todd brotzman juice and here we are 3x longer than intended.  
> honestly this was just of a result of wanting more ace!todd in the world and i may have self projected a tad (idk if i am ace but im like 80% sure im on the spectrum) it was p fun to write this tho even if i did get some details about todds backstory wrong- kinda just accepted that whilst this isnt an au it is kinda the same universe but... ambitiously altered  
> title from wake up by bulow

Todd is eleven when he first thinks maybe there's something wrong with him. 

His classmates talk about girls a lot, and they badger him about who he has a crush on. He just shrugs and says none of them. They look at him like he has grown a second head. How could he not have any crushes? Really, _nobody?_ They keep pestering him about it, until eventually, he just blurts out that he finds Chloe the prettiest- she does have a really cute smile- and they leave it at that. He doesn't have a crush on her, but she appears to be the right answer- and it seems to appease his friends.

Well, mostly. They tease him about it, until school's over. Todd goes home, feeling like  he has done something wrong- but what, exactly? 

But soon he forgets about it when his parents excitedly announce that he'll be having a new baby brother or sister to play with. Todd, always eager to please, is excited with them.

Todd is fourteen when he, yet again, feels like he's doing something wrong, somehow.

He hasn't had  any time to think about girls. The only girl he thinks about is Amanda, as she likes to make her presence and feelings known- especially at night. Todd loves her more than anything though, and helps out his parents whenever he can. Between his sister, homework and taking guitar lessons, girls are so far back in his mind, that he has to take a moment to work out what his friends were asking of him.

It's a similar line of questioning from when he was ten. Except with horny teenage boys. Todd rolls his eyes, but wanting to avoid any conflict tells people what they want to hear so he says Maisie is pretty hot. It's not a lie, really. He also decides not to add that he finds Connor pretty hot too.

There's a lot of agreeing remarks of 'Yeah, Maisie's hot as fuck!' He feels relieved that he managed to say the right answer again.

It bothers him, though. He feels like he's missing out on something. This thought sits with him for the rest of the day and through the night. Isn't he...  supposed to be interested? Most of his friend group have girlfriends. Multiple girlfriends, even. They only seem to last a few weeks- is that even worth it? Todd thinks. Apparently so, according to all the bragging, anyway.

Still, like any other respectable teenage boy, he gets a girlfriend. It's Maisie, funnily enough. And dating her is... surprisingly alright. Todd hasn't magically awakened all these feelings he has been lacking or anything. But the experience is nice. He grows to like Maisie a lot. She is his first kiss- it's a little awkward and sloppy on his end, Maisie is definitely a lot more experienced than he is, but at the end of the day it just feels like mashing the fleshy parts of the face together. _Which,_ Todd supposes, _is kind of what kissing is_. He hopes it would grow on him. He's very good at pretending it does.

He learns really likes the other aspects of dating, however. He loves all the contact- hugging, hand-holding and kissing her face all over (still not keen on the mouth, though.) He listens to her intently- as good boyfriends do- and she laughs at his jokes. His friends seem pretty jealous, which is a plus.

Naturally, after dating for a solid three months, he invites her to his house for dinner. His parents hide their amused smiles, whilst Amanda, a toddler with zero filter, asks all the questions that makes Todd want to crawl into a hole. Maisie handles it with grace, and after dinner, the teens scurry off to Todd's room and Todd takes a moment to recover. Maisie is staring wonderingly at the many, many music posters that adorn his room. Eagerly, he tells her about the various the bands and shows her his pride and joy- his acoustic guitar. He tells her he wants to be a musician someday and he's already written many song lyrics. She seems pretty impressed by his ambitions, but it slowly morphs into boredom, as Todd realises that she's most likely expecting something from him. Todd flushes slightly, and joins her on the bed.

They kiss for a couple of minutes. It's fine, as usual. Todd is running his hands through her hair, wondering how long it'll take  till he can pull away, when he feels Maisie's tongue run along his bottom lip.

He barely stops himself letting out a very embarrassing squeak and desperately tries to match her. This romantic development is... nice, Todd thinks. Not exactly the most enjoyable experience, but hey he can brag about at school on Monday.

This goes on for several more minutes,  till Maisie pulls away and huffs that 'he needs to put more effort in' and that 'he doesn't even seem to be enjoying this'. Todd gives the excuse he's just worried about his sister barging in- not a total lie, Amanda did not care for his privacy that much. She ends up leaving shortly after. His parents make a few comments along the lines of 'she seems like a nice young girl'. Todd gives a noise of agreement and goes to his room before they make it embarrassing.

A few days later, Maisie dumps him. She gives the typical 'it's not you, it's me' speech. But Todd can sense the underlying 'it's you. It's totally all you' in her words. He doesn't comment on it. He's a little stung, because he's not entirely sure what he did wrong- wouldn't anyone get tired from  continuous kissing? - but he shrugs it off by the end of the day.

About a week later, like a typical teenage boy, he gets a new girlfriend and the cycle continues.

When Todd is fifteen, his parents give him the Talk.

It's predictably awkward, but Todd has pretty cool parents and they make it as painless as possible. They tell him the things he expects- they aren't going to dictate what he can or can't do, just please be responsible. Todd can work with that- he never wants to disappoint his parents. But they tell him something that blows his whole damn mind.

"- whether you love a boy or a girl- or whoever! We'll love you no matter what, sweetheart."

Later at night, Todd thinks about that particular statement. It never  occurred to him that maybe he could be gay. Is he? Maybe. He found Connor attractive the same way he did with Maisie- they were both good-looking people. He wonders if dating Connor would've ended the same way. Probably? Definitely.

But if he feels the same, then he can't be gay. But he also can't be straight, either. Is there an option for both? He can't be the only one like this. Maybe he is. It feels lonely.

Todd sighs and rolls over, facing the wall.

Todd is eighteen when he has sex for the first time.

He's been in a semi-serious relationship with a girl- Mollie- for almost two years now. It was one of his better relationships- she hadn't been in one and wanted to go slow- very slow. Todd was certain anybody else may have been irritated about it, but Todd felt extremely relieved. He doesn't worry whether or not he's kissing enough, or if she expects him to make out with her at any given moment. Todd can feel himself breathe. He's not sure if he wants to unravel the reasons behind that feeling just yet, though. 

But eventually, Mollie shyly suggests they try something more. Todd agrees, hoping he doesn't seem too worried. He reminds himself that it's both their first times and it's not all that amazing the first time anyway. It'll be awkward and weird- and nothing like porn, the few times he tried to watch it- but he'll be fine. They can just laugh about it later.

He still thinks there are better things to do. Like guitar playing, or song writing.

But, a few weeks later, when Todd's parents are out for the evening and Amanda is at a sleepover, Mollie sneaks in and after much awkward dancing around it- they just get on it.

And... it was predictably underwhelming and awkward. But they giggled and cuddled afterwards, so Todd thinks it could have been worse. Todd asks Mollie if it actually was good- a lingering insecurity- and she confirms that she enjoyed it.

After a while, Todd feels off somehow and he jokingly tells Mollie she better  leave before his parents get back. When she leaves, Todd jumps into the shower but doesn't wash. He just stands under the stream and thinks.

Did he enjoy himself?

Well, yes. It was nice. He enjoyed the foreplay and the aftermath. He loved the sensations. The deed itself? Well, it was something. But Todd feels like he's just... lacking something. He presses his head against the shower wall and sighs heavily. Maybe he is just wired wrong. He really doesn't want to unpack his issues but maybe he simply just does not have whatever it is that makes people crave sex.

After the shower, he crawls back into bed and screams into his pillow.

Not long after, he dumps Mollie. He tells her it's because he's moving for college and doesn't want to do long distance and has nothing to do with wanting a completely  new start . She's obviously upset, and doesn't hide it particularly well, but she smiles bravely and takes the rejection.

At the airport, he gives his parents a hug and promises to call every few weeks. He sweeps up Amanda into a tight hug and she has him pinkie-swear that she gets to call  every day , if she wants. He says that he might not always answer, but otherwise, he has a hard time saying no to her.

Todd gives them one final wave and goodbye before his flight is called. He's going to start everything over.

Todd starts everything over by having a lot of sex. Like a lot, a lot. Because that's what people do- especially in college.

College lets him be experimental at least. He has sex with a lot of women. But  also, with men. It doesn't fill the lack the want, just like when he is with women. Still, he learns about bisexuality and whilst it doesn't fit him perfectly, he grasps it with both hands.

Nobody needs to know his lack of experience- or rather, that he never felt compelled to experience until much later than most horny teenagers. He never claimed to be proud of himself, but he has accepted that he is just wired weird. Not that he would admit it outright. Todd keeps it locked up tight and threw away the key.

For the first weeks of college, when he isn't studying (or fucking), he plays his new electric guitar- a birthday/college gift from his parents- so frequently that he catches the attention of other aspiring musicians on campus and wouldn't you know it? Mexican Funeral is born. It feels like fate to Todd. His dreams are coming true right before his eyes. 

His ego inflates drastically. He wants to put more time in making his music. He slogs off his studies and he doesn't want to spend time on a job, so naturally, he lies to his parents for money instead. Nobody doubts him for saying he has  pararibulitis . He feels bad for lying. But he's  going to make it and he can pay them back then.

Being in a band has its pros and cons. Pros are that he's in a fucking band. The cons are now he has a reputation of being a sex god. Todd knows anyone else would love the title- and maybe he does a little, his ego certainly revels in it. But being somebody who cares about his image just a little too much, doesn't want to disappoint.  So, he fucks a lot. But no dating.

He has good sex, bad sex, mediocre sex. He goes down, he, sometimes, lets them go down on him. He's often drunk. Or stoned. It makes it easier- more mindless. He gets good at faking it. Knows what noises to make, the right reactions. The only  consistencies are that it's a  one-night stand- no repeats, no attachment. He avoids eye contact, either with positions or he just buries his face in whoever's neck at the time. And finally, he never stays the night.

And, Todd supposes, is not having any interest in sex like anybody else apparently does.

Life goes on. Todd drops out of college- he's too sick, remember? He can't get a job. He puts all his focus on the band, the music, the song writing. The band performs, they party and the night ends with Todd drunk and going back to someone's place, whilst a stranger's arms are lopped around his shoulders.

Todd keeps this cycle up for longer than he thought. But he manages to fuck that right up and break his own rules.

Ryan isn't a  one-night stand. He isn't a second or third, either. They met at some party- parties all blur together for Todd these days. He gives Todd a compliment on his guitar skills and Todd soaks up praise like a sponge, so they keep talking. The night ends with them in bed and Todd feeling like he's enjoyed something he wasn't suppose too. He ends up being sober the second time. 

Todd craves it, he's never craved before and it crawls all over him and it's somehow pleasant and unpleasant at the same time. What the hell is he supposed to do? He's in his mid-late twenties and is suddenly wanting sex, after having it for almost a decade. This couldn't be normal.

Todd is attached, almost. He makes eye contact and he  feels flushed all over from it. He doesn't fake all the noises and Ryan is very perceptive to Todd's reactions. It's going well and Todd wonders if, the whole time, he really just hadn't met the right person.

They aren't dating, though. Todd sworn off dating. 

One night, after they climb down from their highs, and Todd is seriously  contemplating staying the night (when has he ever wanted to stay?) when Ryan speaks up.

"What do you want?"

Todd is still a little blissed out. "From?"

"This. The fucking? Or is this more now?"

Todd stiffens. Ryan notices.

"Sorry! I just thought...?"

Todd sits up, hastily. 

"No- it's fine. Or- good? Maybe? I- don't know."

Ryan raises an eyebrow. "You don't know?"

"I mean! I don't... I don't do this, I guess?" Todd admits, cheeks going red.

"You don't do this? But you're...?"

Todd wasn't really ready to deal with the reflection on his life choices right now.  So, Todd does what he does best. Not deal with it.

"I need to go." Todd gets up and haphazardly locates his clothes.

Ryan looks guilty. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... make you uncomfortable?"

Now Todd feels guilty. "It's fine. I just- don't worry about it. I just need to go."

"Well... see you soon?"

Todd leaves.

When Todd gets back to his  apartment , he hops into the shower. He turns up the heat till it's almost scorching. He dries off and crawls into bed, without bothering to put clothes on.

He keeps replaying Ryan's question.

_"Are you enjoying this?"_

He is, isn't he? At least with Ryan he was. He never felt like that before. 

Todd shoves his face into his pillow. He hates this. He knows, rationally, he is massively over complicating something that could be solved but just talking it through. But Todd has never been a rational man.

He eventually reaches the conclusion that he  definitely fucked it up with Ryan. But at the end of the day, he's a fuck and leave kind of person. It's all mindless for him. Nobody should have expected anything less.

After that situation, something in Todd breaks. He just stops having sex, going to parties. He uses excuses-  pararibulitis attacks are being worse than usual, he got inspiration for some new song lyrics and doesn't want to forget them. His bandmates are a  little concerned, but they brush him off for just being cagey.

He doesn't really do anything. He stays in bed and studiously avoids interacting whenever he can. This goes on for many weeks.

He calls Amanda on her eighteenth birthday, gives her well wishes. He tells they have a show in a month and he can treat her as a late birthday gift, and to make up with getting lazy with calling and visiting.

She snorts and responds with a "Cool." But he can hear the excitement in her voice. He misses her. It gives him the nudge to socialise again. No plans for sex. Habits are hard to break and he ends up in a stranger's bed.  Again, and again and again.

His own birthday comes and goes. Todd barely bats an eye. But he's pumped and ready when he takes a rental to the airport to pick up Amanda. It's the most excited he's felt for a while.

Todd pulls Amanda into a tight hug. "Hey, asshole." She says.

Amanda had arrived a day before the show. They spent the day together, catching each other up on what's been going on in their lives. She proudly states that her drumming skills have gotten better since he’s seen her last. He promises that when he goes back home, they're going to have the coolest jam session together. Todd doesn't tell her of his issues, mostly because she really doesn't need to know about her older brother's sex life.

"Did you take your medication, by the way?" She asks.

It takes Todd a moment to realise what the hell she was talking about.

"Oh! Yeah- just when I got to the airport." 

"That's good. I'm sorry that you have to go through this now. Must be shit."

Todd shrugs. "Won't kill me."

Amanda smiles sympathetically and Todd hopes the lie isn't obvious on his face.

The show goes well. Seeing Amanda grinning wildly at the foot of the stage, makes Todd believe that he can do this, he is so close to succeeding. He is going to make it.

He doesn't make it. In fact, everything falls apart in the worst possible way. And he handles it predictably bad.

A couple of months later, Todd is spending the evening getting stoned and dealing with nothing. He gets a  phone call . It's his mom, and despite the how calm she sounds, Todd can hear the worry in her voice. Todd sobers up very quickly.

Amanda had a  pararibulitis attack. Panic mode sets in. He tells his mom that he'll be home as soon as possible. His mom protests weakly, but  reluctantly agrees that his dad will pick him up at the airport- Amanda wants to see him, anyway. The hospital wants to keep Amanda for a couple of days for observation. He needs to see her.

Todd  immediately books the next flight home. He would have run home if he could. He sends a hasty text to all his bandmates that an emergency has happened and he doesn't know when he will be back. 

After the most stressful flight of Todd's life, he greets his dad with a hug and they ride to the hospital in a tense silence.

Amanda looks exhausted, but she smiles bravely when he enters the room. She wants to talk to him alone, so their parents go off for some coffee. Todd pulls up a vinyl chair.

"Are all your attacks as shit as this?" She murmurs.

Todd wants to be  honest; he really does. But he just can't confess. Not here, not now.

"Yeah."

Amanda is quiet for a moment, like she's debating something in her head.

Eventually, she says. "Mom and Dad can't afford my medication."

Todd's universe just  managed to shatter further. "They what?"

"I don't think they planned for both their kids to get a rare nerve disease."

Todd wants to sink into the ground. "I- I'll work something out."

"What? How?"

"Something- I don't know. Like I said, I'll figure it out."

She squints at him  suspiciously , but doesn't press. She drifts off asleep.

All that goes through Todd's head is _I fucked up, I fucked up_ on a loop.

Todd stays in his childhood home for the next week or so. His bandmates blow up his phone to the point that he switches it off. They plan on selling it off and using the money for payments for Amanda and also, combined with the money Todd made from his music, to get a small, cheaper house in a quiet neighbourhood.

Todd has to fly back. His bandmates get on his case to the point that Todd angrily snaps back, no longer caring what people thought . They are stunned silent, so they leave him to lick his wounds in peace.

He gets a job, or at least tries to hold one. A college drop-out never sparks hope in people. All the money he gets is  immediately sent to Amanda. He tells his family that he hasn't had an attack in weeks. He jumps from job to job for several weeks.

The money is still drying up faster than he can manage. He isn't sure what to do.

Well. There's something he can do. It will only go so well.

Mexican Funeral's band equipment gets stolen. Todd reports it. His guitar and other equipment he  owns is  miraculously untouched. It doesn't take a genius to figure the culprit out. 

Todd gets confronted. There's screaming, swearing and Todd half expects to get beaten up. He takes it all with all the defiance he can. When they leave- and he's certain they're long gone- he bawls his eyes out for a long, long time.

There's nothing of the band left, except some shirts. Todd keeps them- a strangely comforting reminder of something he was proud of. 

He moves back to Seattle. Get an  apartment , that's the closest to Amanda, but also the cheapest. Anything more expensive would mean less for Amanda and he just can't do that.

When Amanda turns twenty, their parents move out of state- letting her have some sense of independency. Todd would have found this hilarious if he wasn't the reason they were in this situation in the first place. He visits Amanda whenever he can.

* * *

That's Todd's life until he's thirty-three and suddenly everything happens. It starts with Dorian destroying his car and threatening to kill (not that weird) to somehow finding a missing girl and having a winning lottery ticket (pretty fucking weird.)

And everything  in between ? Seeing... himself? What the actual hell?

And all of it leads back to one person.

Dirk Gently waltzes into his life- or rather, breaks into his apartment- and suddenly decides Todd is his friend. And Dirk had one of those faces that makes Todd want to confess to everything. That wasn't a good thing. Todd has admitted to Dirk way more in a day, than anybody in his life. He doesn't know why. Something about Dirk makes him want to.

Right now, Todd is debating whether or not he should call Dirk about seeing Lydia Springs in some guy's house. He's not entirely sure if he trusts Dirk and he feels a little stung from their first interaction. Dirk read him a little too well. Then, during his spiel, commented on Todd's apparent boring, boring sex and all Todd could say is "Well-" in a weakly defensive tone.

But that was bullshit too, wasn't it? He hasn't even had sex since Amanda got sick, let alone boring sex.

He hasn't even thought about it. Or so much  persuade a relationship. All his time and energy had been spent on Amanda.

Now he can't stop thinking about it. It's been seven years... and absolutely nothing. No time to unpack that, because he- not that he really wants too- has a  phone call to make.

And he's starting to really regret the  phone call .

Dirk told him to take control of his life, so he did. Being stuck in some guy's bathroom with the missing girl was not what Todd was hoping. Proceeded with a reminder of a woman he encountered two days ago- that he should've helped, why is he such a coward?

Regardless, they save her- well, kind of saves herself, after... whatever that was on the bridge.

The woman, Farah, has Todd awestruck. He's still feeling a slight rush of adrenaline and the excitement almost has him wanting to spend more time with Dirk. Then Farah recognises Dirk, and Todd realises that Dirk has tricked him again.

Todd swears that if Dirk lies to him  again, he's  going to kill him.

It's only been four days since Everything Happening, that Todd has so far realised two things about himself. One, he really can't so no to people- the joys of being the older brother to a little sister who he would do anything for, hence why he's being roped into this weird, weird world of Dirk Gently. And secondly, he can feel the tell-tale signs of butterflies starting to form in his stomach and he hates it. They can stay as dead caterpillars at the pit of his stomach for all he cares. He's not even sure who the butterflies are directed at, Farah and Dirk have both left him more than a little drawn in.

Amanda sees straight though him and playfully jabs at him that he shouldn't miss the chance to spend time with a Magic Detective and a Hot Chick. All he can do is protest weakly before giving in and taking his cool guy jacket. It can't be too bad.

Nope. He's stuck in an underground death maze and getting electrocuted by a ghost rhino. Not in the plan at all.

And now he is  definitely a part of the case. He is supposed to be a part of this. Todd has an inkling that he's in it for the long haul.

Trying to understand Dirk is like trying to herd cats, Todd realises. The ability to cooperate is astoundingly bad. He's psychic, but in denial, and real cagey about it.

In hindsight, Todd should have- with the nuggets of information Dirk has presented to him- been able to connect the dots. He's never been one to think things through. And after all, he's not the holistic one.

Spending a full day digging holes with someone he might just start considering a friend, isn't as bad as he thought. Well, he's gross, sweaty and covered in dirt, but he's sharing the experience with someone else. Seeing Dirk looking so rumpled, yet focused has Todd a little flustered and he isn't sure how much is due to exhaustion.

It's also making him want to be open. Maybe the years of keeping emotional bonds at an  arm's length had made him desperate.

He trusts Dirk, which is the scary thing. Has he ever trusted anybody, other than Amanda?

Staring down the barrel of a gun bring back every shitty feeling Todd has felt in his life. Confessing to Dirk about the lying afterwards just confirms the Todd-Brotzman-is-a-piece-of-shit rumours.

Despite everything, Dirk still views him better than he is- all  because he decided to stick around. It makes Todd brave enough to admit to his past fuck-ups and call Dirk his friend.

He guesses Dirk trusts him enough to share some odds and ends of his own life- admits that his own past has started to catch up with him. The Rowdy Three- Todd still doesn't fully understand their deal, though- for one and some guy named Riggins for another. From the vague snippets, Todd surmises that it's his former boss from when he worked at... Blackwing? 

Todd had the sense Dirk was glossing over details, but Dirk seemed so uncomfortable and jittery just from talking about it that Todd lets it slide for now.

On the way home, Todd starts to feel better than he has for years.

That all goes to shit when he tells Amanda everything. He only wanted to tell her the pararibulitis, but it snowballed into telling her everything else.

She leaves with the Rowdy Three, hateful. Todd understands. He doesn't like himself much, either.

He has a chance to fix everything. Why is Dirk getting so strange and reluctant about it? It's all going to work out. Todd is practically giddy with excitement.

Nope fuck this. Fuck Dirk. Fuck everything. How could he have possibly thought that maybe...

He wants this shit to be over, so he can rebuild whatever he has left.

Seeing Dirk harpooned gives Todd a lot of conflicting feelings. He's beyond pissed, but watching him bleed out slowly isn't pleasant. There's a horrible, heavy weight in his chest, and a burning pain where he got  electrocuted . He ignores it and tries to stay focused on the task at hand. They save Lydia, they send the machine back, he passes out.

He wakes to a reality check from Amanda. He knows what he needs to do. 

Dirk's face when Todd makes amends, has his heart seize up. He sees a million different expressions run through Dirk in a matter of seconds. Todd's just glad he made the right answer. It's all going to go well. He's pretty ready for whatever comes next.

Good things can never last. After an entire week of expectations vs. reality, Todd should've known better.

He goes to the bathroom. The next thing he knows he gets a panicked call from Amanda, suddenly his hands are burning and he's screaming on the floor.

Farah hovers over him, fretful. Tells him Dirk's gone and they need to go now.

* * *

Being on the run for two months really makes one appreciative of their old life. Not that Todd would ever want to go back to it. He has something to work towards now.

He hopes that Dirk is ok. He never really confided with Todd on what Blackwing was really about, so Todd can only guess how bad Dirk is being treated. He avoids thinking about that. Todd never really believed in any sort of higher power before Dirk. But every night, almost like a ritual, he silently asks the Universe to let Dirk know that him and Farah are going to get to him.

For now, Todd is spending more time in different motels than he did during his band days. Him and Farah try and get  separate beds after Farah, as gently as possible, told him he is a notorious sleep-cuddler. Which- Farah is quick to add- isn't a bad thing, just is not very ideal for her. Todd reassures her that it's fine. He finds himself hugging a pillow when he wakes up, Farah is polite enough to not bring it up.

Farah, like Todd, is not immune to the sting of a lack of human connection. One lonely night, they make out. Farah has the deep realisation that she really doesn't like Todd like that- _'I'm so sorry,_ _Todd. God_ _, that was so stupid!'_ \- and Todd reconfirming- _'It's fine Farah, really!'_ \- some things he already knew about himself. He just... lacks those urges.

It's reawakened some old feelings he's tried so hard to quash, however. It's been over half a decade. Why is it all coming back now? He gets stuck in his head about it a lot. He thought he liked Farah like that, but it turns out he doesn't- thankfully, it's mutual.

But... what about Dirk? He remembers the flustered, butterfly-y sensations he got when he saw Dirk focused on digging holes. He thinks back to the death maze. He never really had a chance to check out Dirk when he stripped down- to be fair, he never really checked out somebody before- but he distinctly remembers Dirk's body and especially his arms.

Ugh. Now he can't stop thinking about his arms.

Todd is relieved that Farah is asleep and  its pitch black in this dingy motel room, because Todd currently resembles a hormonal teenager who can't decipher his emotions.

He has been awestruck by both Dirk and Farah. Farah is a total badass, she's beautiful and amazing. But whatever infatuation he felt for her was just that- infatuation. Todd is certain with himself that those lingering feelings are gone. He could say 'I love you' to Farah with confidence and there would no romantic undertones to it. It's relieving.

Dirk... it's complicated. Those lingering feelings are still lingering. They had a little moment in the diner before it all went wrong and before that, at the hospital. There's something there. Todd's scared to analyse it too deeply right now. Focus on getting his friend back first.

He should sleep. Maybe something will change tomorrow.

Something is happening. Something is  definitely happening. Todd is practically jumping at the seams of excitement. He's been chasing a rabbit for seven hours; he is running on fumes at this point. It's 5a.m and a car fell out of a tree. This is it. This is happening.

Todd thought with such confidence that he could accept whatever the acceleration of weirdness or the Universe threw at him.

He never in his wildest dreams expected Dirk Gently to tumble out of a car trunk. A car that had been suspended in a tree with a dead body in it.

Once the  initial shock wore off, the excitement threatening to spill over, crashes over like a giddy waterfall. He screams, he laughs and throws himself into Dirk's arms, because he's right here.

He is then reminded Dirk is notoriously unhelpful at answering questions, saying things as if everyone will just understand.

They don't get much further until the Sheriff shows up.

Todd can't remember the last time someone recognised him in a good way. He plays it off as well as he can. Doesn't help him from getting out of being put back behind bars. Dirk cheerily walks into the jail cell, case-focused, and Todd realises he has been idolising an annoying idiot this whole time.

Todd feels guilty as all hell when he confesses that he has  pararibulitis now. He sees his chipper demeanour drop like a dead weight when he admits that they're being punished. He knows Dirk is trying to  maintain a faux cheeriness with backhanded  optimism .

Then the Universe's sense of humour kicks in and Todd really needs to get use to this shit. But hey he has medication now so he's in no position to complain.

Tina's line of questioning about him, Dirk and Farah  have him  antsy . He plays it off the best he can, hoping he's not abundantly obvious about his emotions.

Anyway, he has more important- more weird- things to focus on. Like, everything else. Dirk being his top priority right now. Dirk's being weird, but a kind of weird that is putting Todd on edge. He can't put his finger on it.

Tina and Hobbs are not the weirdest people he's ever met, but they're up there. He wants to tell Tina 'thank you' for finding Dirk those clothes to wear, but also a 'fuck you' for finding Dirk those clothes to wear. He's only just started to come to terms with possibly-maybe-definitely having a crush on Dirk and now he has to stare at his collarbones peeking over a  tight-fitting shirt. It's a tacky outfit, but of course Dirk makes it good. Dirk could pull off a potato sack, honestly. This is not helping anything.

Speaking of...

Dirk. The weird thing. Todd can't... get to him. He has become gradually more and more  subdued and Todd never thought it was even possible to describe Dirk in such a way. He's even gotten snappy at points. What the hell did Blackwing do?

After half a day of mostly normal-weird, Todd gently confronts Dirk, with the attitude someone might have when approaching a skittish animal. Dirk flinches, which does nothing to soothe Todd's nerves.

Dirk is predictably cagey, dancing around the issue. Eventually, he responds in a stilted voice "Why do you have pararibulitis, Todd?" before stalking off, without waiting for an answer. 

Troubled, Todd lets Dirk go, opting to give Dirk some time to take a breather, mulling over Dirk's question.

The next few hours are uneventful, Farah and Tina bring back a weird looking pink haired guy, who is  definitely connected. But he's busy being unconscious, so it's the waiting game.

Todd has a restless buzz in his head- worry about Amanda, Dirk and Dirk's earlier question- and he hasn't seen Dirk since Pink-Hair was bought in. Desperate for something to do, he seeks him out.

He hadn't gone far. Todd finds him leaning heavily on some filing cabinets, distracted and forlorn. Todd accepts he'll have to be the one to initiate.

He didn't completely expect Dirk to admit to what was wrong after his earlier snippiness, but Todd latches onto it, and responds with his own honesty- he is more than the  Universe's pawn.

He isn't honest enough to admit to having a crush, but he's pretty sure Dirk doesn't need My-Best-Friend-Is-In-Love-With-Me thrown onto his plate just yet. Or ever.

Still, he hates that tense look on Dirk's face, so he sacrifices a bit of pride and does a poor imitation of his accent in hopes to make him smile. Dirk doesn't smile exactly, but his expression softens as he teases Todd. Tina informs them Pink-Hair is awake, and Todd is relieved that Dirk,  albeit reluctantly , follows.

Any progress Todd had made on inspiring Dirk falls flat when Dirk learns he's the centre of a prophecy that takes place in an entirely different world. Todd supposes that he would be in the same boat if that were him.

Due to the  jail's cells being occupied, and Tina and Farah opting to stay at the station, Todd and Dirk took up Hobbs' offer to stay at his place- at least for a couple nights. Hobbs bought out an assortment of blankets, pillows and some old shirts for sleepwear and then left them to their own devices. Dirk had fallen back into a cagey silence so Todd took to the bathroom to freshen up. When it was Dirk's turn, Todd busied himself with setting up the couch. He felt Dirk linger behind him. 

"You can take the couch." he says.

Dirk gives him a confused look. "What? No! You should take it."

"I can take the floor it's fine- I've slept in way worse places, trust me."

"So have I," Dirk waves his hand dismissively, as Todd opens his mouth. "Anyway, you're the sick one- you should be on the sofa... couch. Whatever."

Todd's mouth twists into a thin, unhappy line. "Are you sure? It's just..."

He trails off when Dirk dumps the remaining blankets and pillows in the corner and starts to burrow under it like a determined mole.

"This is great, Todd! I've never slept in a blanket nest before, anyway." 

His cheeriness sounds a little forced, but it's enough for Todd to drop it. He switches of the lights.

"Fine. Night, Dirk."

"Nighty-night, Todd."

The next morning, Dirk is gone. Todd's thoughts jump straight to Blackwing had taken him and he really can't lose Dirk after a couple days, then it occurs to him there is no way he would've slept through that. Todd would've kicked and screamed before Blackwing got their damn hands on Dirk.

Still, Dirk isn't here. And whilst Todd knows Dirk is a survivor, Todd can't bear to think of Dirk alone in danger. He shouldn't have to be.

He wakes Hobbs up. Todd has a pretty good idea where Dirk may have gone.

Hobbs' bike outside the Cardenas' house, confirms Todd's theory. There's no response from Dirk in the house, however. Todd isn't worried just yet. Then the phone- that one single phone- rings. A pitiful, little noise.

"... Hello?" Todd answers.

Dirk's openly relieved voice is on the other end. "Todd! Help me- I have _really_ messed up! I fell down some kind of hole!"

Not exactly what Todd had expected from the phone. No time to wonder, it's Dirk, roll with it.

"Where are you? Are you, like, in the basement?" Todd lowers his flashlight to the ground, Hobbs hovering nearby.

"No." Dirk hesitates for a fraction of second. "It's not a basement."

Dirk starts to panic-ramble. Todd catches ' colourful ', 'Christmas' and 'train'. He interrupts before Dirk gets too worked up.

"Dirk, calm down." He says gently. "Where are you?" 

Dirk says its Cardenas' house, but different. He goes on a spiel about the terrible interior design, but Todd interrupts again.

Between Dirk's high-strung tangents and self-deprecation. He gradually manages to get snippets of relevant information he needs. By the time Dirk says he's convinced he is in Judeo-Christian Hell, Todd decides that Hobbs would be suited for dealing with a skittish man, who is possibly in a different plain of reality. Todd decides to investigate the upstairs. He finds the slide easily enough. After he gets the confirmation that Dirk cannot climb up- and he absolutely does not want Todd to slide down- he heads out with a hefty determination that they need to get some rope or ladder, because God forbid they were  going to leave Dirk down there any longer than they already have. He was ready to bulldoze the house down at this point.

Hobbs informing him that Dirk wasn't alone down there, has Todd scrapping that plan. He so badly wants to go down there, but Dirk is adamant he stays right where he is.

"You asked me to help." Todd furrows his brow.

"That was a mistake. I'm actually fine. It's- great!" says Dirk, tone artificially bright.

"Dirk..." Todd says a little stiffly. He's a shit liar.

"Look, what I was going to say was: _this is on me._ I don't even know if there is a way out of here. The last thing I want is you getting trapped in here with me."

"You have to be inside the house somewhere. I just got you back. I'm not going to- to just leave you there, ok."

He hears a shaky breath from the other end.

"Please just stay there, Todd. I'll keep looking for a way out." Dirk says quietly.

Todd pinches the bridge of his nose. The Universe will look after him. He reminds himself. Dirk will be fine.

Nope- not fine. Abort everything. Todd needs to get to Dirk right now. His brain is empty aside from 'DIRK IN DANGER' screaming in his head.

He goes down the slide and gets into a tangle with phone chords in a desperate scrabble to find Dirk.

He gets to the kitchen, seeing Dirk holding the bloody scissors and looking away fearfully. Todd uses the gun on... whatever that thing was.

"Todd!" 

Todd's never seen anybody look so happy to see him in his life. That's not his priority right now. They need to get out of here right now. Todd really doesn't have time to listen to Dirk's panicked rambles, he rams him through the door and...

They're outside. Dirk starts talking with naked relief. Todd feels a wave of nausea- something is wrong. He looks up.

There's Amanda. In a cage. He needs to... he needs to get to her. He dimly hears Dirk next to him.

He doesn't understand how he's seeing her- he doesn't care, though. She's happy to see him and he has missed her so much...

Suddenly, he's being  electrocuted and he remembers nothing but an agonising pain and worried hands.

When he comes to, he's swallowed his pills and sitting up unsteadily. He leans on Dirk's shoulder.

"Are you ok?" Dirk asks nervously. Todd feels like absolute shit, but Dirk looks utterly miserable, so he gives a small nod.

Dirk presents Hobbs the bloodied scissors and refers to them as the 'murder weapon'. Todd can do nothing but stare at him, wondering how the hell this is connected. Aside from everything being so.

Gently, he's pulled to his feet. He can walk to the car fine, but allows Dirk to hover over him anxiously. Normally he hates being fretted over- but he  surmises that Dirk needs this more than him. He secretly enjoys having someone care about him, but Dirk didn't need to know that.

The car ride is mostly silent- aside from Hobbs calling Tina to tell her to meet at the station- Todd closes his eyes, feeling sluggish and heavy. He feels Dirk's stare trained on him, anxiety radiating off him in waves. His fingers are twitching. Todd carefully puts his hand on Dirk's wrist.

"It's alright." He says weakly.

Dirk looks unconvinced.

Todd's better at the station. The aftermath of attacks  do not typically last long, from Todd's experience anyway. He's back to analysing the murder with everyone. 

They all turn to Dirk for his expert opinion on the  acceleration of strangeness.

Dirk resembles a kid who the teacher just picked on when the rest of them turn to face him. This should be Dirk's element, taking all this in an excited stride. As much as Todd can coax, Dirk dances around the edge of the case, systematically avoiding falling into it. It eerily reminds Todd of the first week of knowing Dirk and how  reluctant he was. Did Dirk feel as irritated at the time as Todd does now?

Dirk snaps out a 'Sorry." and walks off, hunched over and unhappy.

There's a stunned, awkward silence.

"I'll- I'll go talk to him." Todds says eventually.

Dirk didn't go far- to the couch at the  entrance . He's worrying the corner of a cushion in his fingers. A tense  look on his face.

"This again?" Todd approaches him, frustrated.

Dirk looks like he was about to bite back something, but he closes his mouth. A beat passes. Todd deflates and sits next to Dirk.

"Dirk, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put pressure on you. I know that's not how you work. How... it works-"

"What if that monster ate us?" Dirk interrupts.

"It didn't." Todd keeps his tone gentle. 

Dirk ignores him. "What if diving through that static didn't work? What if that just killed us?"

"It did work- it didn't kill us." Todd's words all on  deaf ' ears.

"I couldn't even help you when you were having a pararibulitis attack."

"Well, I don't think anyone could-"

"All I ever wanted was a friend," Dirk continues. "To have somebody who believes in me."

"And now you have one. More than one." Todd flushes when he realises  what he said exactly. Thankfully (or not), Dirk didn't catch the double-meaning. He faces Todd, upset and desperate.

"What if who I and what I am is going to you killed?"

Ah. Todd is briefly stunned silent. He didn't consider that.

Dirk continues on, distressed. "I don't know what this all means. I never know how things connect until they do. And usually before then it's just... danger and death."

Todd mulls over Dirk's words. Dirk wasn't as in his element as he was led to believe. He's always done this alone and now he has to adapt to there being new pieces to work with. Friends are a new experience.

Dirk isn't finished yet. "Why are you here? What have you got to do with any of this? I-" Dirk abruptly stops. He hangs his head, defeated. Todd wants to hold him, soothe him.

He thinks through what to say very carefully instead. 

"I saw Amanda." He begins. Dirk gives him a confused stare.

"What?"

"I had, like, a hallucination- when I was having my attack."

Dirk squints. "Like, Amanda's visions?"

"No-no-no wait- it was like she was having it for me. Like- reaching out. I saw her- I saw her," Todd's relieved when he sees that expression on Dirk's face, the one where he is listening intently. "Dirk, as crazy as it sounds, I think Amanda's in danger, in Wendimoor."

Dirk goes through five stages of something, before he stands up abruptly with new found energy. He exclaims that they have to go back to the Cardenas' house. Todd breaks into a grin- Dirk is back.

Dirk drags Todd and Tina to a diner the next day. The break in the case left Dirk reinvigorated and he was a lot  livelier and more involved , so Todd has an excited thrill inside him, as they enter the diner. Dirk goes to the bathroom straight after their drinks arrive leaving Todd and Tina to make light conversation.

"This is how it works- we go where Dirk takes us-"

"Ok, back to business." Dirk slides back into the booth. Todd does a double-take.

"Did you just- change?" Todd feels himself go pink. Dirk apparently looks really good in red. Tina raises an eyebrow.

Dirk, ever oblivious, says. "No Todd, it's still me," He turns to Tina. "Though, my clothes are different. I traded these for the ones in evidence lock-up." He finished, looking extremely pleased with himself.

"You traded police property?" She says. They glance over at some guy wearing Dirk's previous attire.

Dirk looks smug. "They were vintage," He nudges Todd. "Smart, right?"

"Genius!" Tina exclaims. "Why didn't I think of that?"

"Because it's literally a crime?" Todd isn't sure how he managed to be the law-abiding citizen here. It wasn't a promising sign.

"Listen from here on in, I want to do things by the book." Dirk says, ignoring Todd's comments.

"What book?" Do holistics have a handbook on How to follow the Stream of Creation?

"The boring book or mundane deductions, you and I are co-authorising about being normal detectives, Todd." Dirk answers, as if obvious.

Dirk launches into his thoughts and theories with the current information they've obtained about Wendimoor, Panto and the mural. The waiter comes over with their food, Todd nods his thanks, as both Dirk and Tina are preoccupied with the evidence photos. Todd can't take his eyes off Dirk's focused expression. He's missed it. 

Dirk talks and gestures wildly, as Tina arranged the photos on the table. Todd isn't sure how somebody like Dirk would be able to break the mould, and he can't really imagine Dirk doing things 'by the book', but he couldn't deny just how awestruck he is by how intense and focused Dirk is.

Under any other circumstance, Todd would have tuned out. But he's trying to be better and listening to their best friend talk with his full attention seems like something good people do. He doesn't want to let Dirk down, especially now.

"-as I continue to blunder aimlessly about, as Todd would have it 'stupid, flighty bullshit.'"

"Would say that." Todd comments to himself, amused. He looks to Tina. "I do say things like that."

"Not this time," Dirk scolds. 

"Ok, I'm liking this attitude." Todd means it. He'll be lying if said he wasn't a little captivated with how Dirk's taking control right now.

"You inspired it." Dirk affirms.

Todd flushes and looks away. He wasn't expecting any genuine compliments, certainly not this early in the morning. He sees Tina giving him a curious glance.

Dirk, apparently use to people getting flustered by his charm, barrels on. "We've got to get ahead of the game- we can't just keep expecting somebody to walk up and say-"

"Excuse me." Somebody says, walking up. 

It's the waiter- and he is, naturally, extremely connected to the case. Another time, Todd would've found the chances of this happening hilarious. But Dirk looks beyond pissed, so he decides to keep his comments to himself.

"Your pancakes are getting cold." he says, instead.

Dirk huffs.

They ride to the Cardenas' house. The awkward silence has creeped back and Todd isn't feeling very inspirational.

Just focus on the case. Something good will come from this.

The waiter- Arnold Cardenas- takes a swig from his flask, staring forlorn at his childhood home. The rest hang back. Todd and Tina discuss the case.

"He looks miserable," Dirk comments, after a while. Todd has a sinking feeling that Dirk is projecting. "We shouldn't have brought him here. We should've waited." 

"If we didn't come with, he would've come here anyway." Todd counters. It's too early to be dealing with Dirk's rollercoaster of emotions.

Dirk doesn't drop it. "He shouldn't be here at all. But no! I had to be stupidly waving those photos around- in that particular diner no less."

"You insisted we go out for breakfast- and you wanted that diner." Tina points out. Dirk has the face of betrayal.

"I didn't think it was relevant!" He leans back against the car, grumbling to himself.

"Dirk, slow down man. Be cool." Todd touches his arm lightly. Todd has no idea why he's expecting something boring and uneventful- crazy follows him like a wolf pack.

"Uh, guys? Hate to break the moment, but..." Tina gestures in front of her.

Arnold  Cardenas is running into the house. Todd bolts after him. He hears Dirk follow.

They learn a lot, in broken, fractured pieces. Nothing making complete sense  and an old man is now in hospital. But Todd's keeping up the optimism. 

_Because somebody needs to._ Todd thinks, as he searches through a box of old clothes Tina lent him. Despite his  initial refusal on going to the festival, he was actually pretty excited. It's been way too long since his last party- and he doesn't need to worry about the expectations of leaving with a stranger.

The clothes leave something to be desired, though. There was nothing  reminiscent of his band days. A distinct lack of black to his disappointment. Every one of these clothes are so far removed from his comfort zone. It's all colour and confidence and not in a good way. He can imagine Dirk in all of these. And he could make it work.

A thought flashes in his head. _What would Dirk like to see him in?_

That opens up many possibilities, giving Todd mixed feelings. Don't overthink it- Tina confirmed this is the kind of stuff people wear at the Sound of Nothing- he'll fit in just fine.

He plunges his hand in the clothing pile and pulls out a dress shirt. It's patterned but not too gaudy. Todd has an  inkling he isn't going to get better than this, so he strips off his cop uniform. The shirt fits... really well- better than anything in his wardrobe. Todd has never worn a fitted shirt before. Maybe he should consider it when he's not on the FBI's most wanted.

There's some difficulty with the lower half. He had some limitations to what he will wear- he needs it to be practical- he is on a case,  after all . So far everything had been jeans too big or leggings too tight. And Todd had sworn off leather pants for a number of reasons.

Eventually, a pair of leopard print pants is showing the most promise. Todd from a decade ago wouldn't be caught dead in them, but he isn't the same person anymore. He isn't even the same person from two months ago. Dirk would enjoy them.

The thought has Todd splutter out a laugh. He bites his lip to muffle himself from bursting into hysterics at how  absurd this all is. He's standing in a police station, surrounded by vintage clothes from evidence lockup. On a case. And he's worried if his best friend will like his outfit. When has he ever been like this over anyone?

He tugs the pants on. They're not tight, but they're certainly... figure-hugging. He tucks his shirt in for good measure- this isn't the most cohesive outfit, but God, he wants it too work.

The shoes are just whatever fits and are comfortable. He stares at himself in the mirror. He looks good in ways he hasn't in years. He's always favoured comforts, everything he owns gets worn to threadbare- didn't matter if it was a size off, or was so washed out he couldn't remember what the colour was  initially . If it's still in one piece, he'll wear it. It's a sad thought.

He wants to give a damn again. Shit. Is he getting emotional over leopard print pants of all things? He gives himself a once-over. The outfit needs something to tie it together.

One more rummage through the 80s fever dream of fabrics produces a studded belt- he doesn't need it, but it's closest to his band days so he latches on to it like a lifeline. The second are suspenders. Todd considers it, before deciding fuck it, he should just commit to it.

Todd fiddles with the suspenders. He looks so different- bold in way he's never dared to be.

There's a knock on the door. Dirk's voice pipes up.

"Todd? Are you quite done? We're all waiting for you." 

Now or nothing. Todd takes a breath and opens the door. Dirk's eyes widen, he gapes like a fish.

Todd feels a tiny bit bashful under Dirk's intense gaze. He holds up his arms and spins. "Well, what do you think?"

"You look-" Dirk stops, clearly mulling over his words. "See, Todd. I told you you'd look presentable if you made an effort!" He grins brightly.

"You've never... said that? Like, ever?"

"Well, I thought it! Many times." He ushers Todd. "We need to go- Farah is getting all..." He makes frantic jazz hands.

"Ok, ok. I'm ready." He looks back at the clothing whirlwind.

"Leave it- we shouldn't be at the concert long." Dirk grabs Todd's wrist. "Tina and Farah are waiting outside."

Dirk doesn't let go of Todd's wrist until the  entrance , and Todd doesn't say anything about it. He drops it and hesitates. Todd gives him a moment.

"You look good, Todd. Really good." Dirk smiles shyly.

Todd returns the smile. "Thanks. I'm sure I'll come to you for  further fashion advice."

Dirk sniffs. "Naturally. This is the first time I've seen you with taste." He pulls open the door.

_Do you not count then?_ Todd thinks, as he follows Dirk out.

The Sound of Nothing is  reminiscent of Todd's band days. It's loud, crowded and Todd is glad he decided to take his meds on the ride over. This is one of the worst places to have an attack. He knows he's here for a reason, but he still feels completely in his element. So does Tina. Farah looks predictably uncomfortable. Dirk seems tense as well- Todd would've thought being surrounded by colourful, happy people is a dream of Dirk's. But, then again, sweaty teenagers probably weren't a part of that.

Tina- the most  knowledgeable of the festival- gives them a rundown of the best course of action. They get into position. They have a job to do.

A job that didn't involve Suzie  Boreton just yet and she's at this festival after Dirk. The horrifying realisation as Todd scrambling off stage in a desperate panic.

Suddenly, everything lights up with colourful shapes and Todd feels...

Wonderful.

He needs to get to Dirk- not for fear, worry or panic. Just he's missed him. He needs Dirk to know.

He sees him. Dirk. His best friend. Stupid, perfect Dirk.

"Dirk!" Todd grabs his shoulders.

Dirk looked how Todd feels. Unbelievably floaty. 

"Todd!" He grins giddily.

"Dirk, you need to know- you changed my life- you showed me everything I've been doing wrong." Todd confesses. This would normally scare him- keep it locked up. He feels so free. "I didn't believe in anything and- and my life felt so small and I treated other people like they were small, too-" Todd has an urge to find everyone's life who he ruined and apologise and tell them they're awesome. Maybe he will, but right now he needs to give Dirk his utmost attention. "That's- that's bad, that's lame- that's over!" 

Todd Brotzman is a loser, everybody. He can finally make peace with it. Dirk is staring at him like he's precious. Todd is fizzing. 

Dirk and Todd are giggling like children at a sleepover, when Farah and Tina bound over, riding the same high. He's one of the freaks! It's incredible to be part of something again!

The rest is a blur, really.

Todd isn't sure how he made it back to the station. He doesn't care, honestly. Dirk has his arms wound around Todd's  neck; foreheads pressed together. They stumble into the station, surrounded by crowds of others on top of the world. Dirk pushes him gently against the wall. He leans in, lips ghosting against Todd's jaw.

"You look amazing. You are- amazing." Dirk  murmurs . 

Todd giggles. "So- so do you. I love your jackets. I love the you in them, more."

Dirk pulls back, a wonderous expression on his face. "Nobody has ever said something so nice to me before. I knew it when I said the new guy was perfect!"

Before Todd could respond, Dirk pulls the glowsticks from around his neck and lops them around Todd's. He yanks Todd forward, cause him to stumble into Dirk's chest. Under any other circumstance, Todd either would've bolted, or went along with it- emotions detached, all for show.

But Todd is fearless, loopy and wants all of Dirk's everything.

"Dirk, I said you're my best friend. And- and you are! So much my best friend. But you're something else, to me."

Dirk makes a delighted sound as he runs his hands down Todd's chest. "So are you. When I broke into your apartment and you threw a shoe at me-" Dirk's breath hitches, when Todd rests his own hands on Dirk's hips and playfully tugs them against his own. Dirk, being Dirk, continues talking, despite being clearly affected.

"-you were all angry and you tossed me out- but I knew we were for- for  each other -"

"You met me already."

"I know, but-"

"I didn't like that. I got- I was angry, but not anymore! I forgave you!" Todd clarifies. He doesn't want Dirk sad because of him. That's an awful thought.

Dirk braces his forearms against the wall on either side of Todd's head. He's quiet for a few moments, he then smiles dreamily. "Todd, I want to kiss you- so bad. I've wanted to kiss since I saw you played guitar."

Todd's in the middle of popping some buttons on Dirk's shirt. Dirk shouldn't be hiding his collarbones. "That far back?"

"Obviously! How could I not?"

Todd grins, shaking his head in  disbelief . Dirk likes him! He feels like a teen being asked to prom by his crush. He bounces on his heels.

Fuck it. He grabs Dirk's jacket and kisses him hard on the mouth. Dirk gives a muffled squeak, but instantly melts against Todd. People nearby cheer loudly. Todd ignores them, but he's grinning proudly against Dirk's mouth. He busies his hands with the rest of the buttons. Dirk notices.

"Toooodd," Dirk scolds, pulling back slightly. But there's no bite to it. He ducks his head, bashfully.

"What?" Todd grins. He tugs the shirt. "C'mon- I wanna see you."

Dirk lets Todd gently push shirt down his shoulders. He's still in an undershirt- but it leaves nothing to the imagination. He leans in to kiss Todd again, running his hands through his hair. Todd strokes his arms. He can feel Dirk tremble against the contact.

Dirk slides Todd's suspenders off his shoulders. "Show me you, too." He hikes up Todd's shirt, fingers skimming over his stomach. Todd's getting a little breathless.

"You- I want you to do it."

Dirk does so, slowly. Clearly savouring the treat. Todd feels flush under the attention, he loves it. Dirk looking at him through hooded eyes has him squirming. 

Dirk doesn't hide his delight at the discovery of Todd's lack of an undershirt. He pulls Todd's shirt off, tossing it into the crowd. Dirk bites his lip.

"Look at you, look at you." He  murmurs . He touches every bit of exposed skin he can.

Todd preens under the praise. It makes him a little daring. He pulls Dirk into another kiss, biting Dirk's bottom lip.

Dirk moans shamelessly, hips twitching against Todd's.

They keep this up for who knows how long. Dirk is so responsive to Todd's touch, his kiss. Has anyone touched Dirk like this before? It makes Todd bolder and bolder. The sound Dirk makes when Todd pushes his tongue into his mouth is something Todd will commit to his memory forever. A desperate need to be as close as possible.

Dirk's hands ghost over Todd's belt. Todd stiffens. As hazy as they both were, Dirk freezes.

"Should we stop? Is this ok? I can-" His eyes are scanning Todd's face.

Todd kisses Dirk's collarbones. "It's fine. Just not all the way."

Dirk nods. "We've got company. We're respectable adults here."

Todd has enough awareness of his current state that that's not the reason- well, the main reason- but he doesn't have enough to keep his mouth shut.

"Not just that. Sex is a thing people do. Like, it's a thing- and people do it. I don't wanna do things."

Dirk stares at him like he has no idea what Todd just said, but too polite to say anything. He nods, seriously, though. Maybe he was able to decipher Todd's ramble. It's probably not the weirdest thing he's been told.

"Can we continue our current things? I like them- good things."

"God, yes." Todd sighs, pulling Dirk against him.

He wants to stay like this forever. 

Eventually, he gets pulled away. Maybe by Tina, or Farah- or maybe somebody else that recognises him. Who wouldn't miss out on the chance of hanging out with Todd Brotzman from The Mexican Funeral? Todd isn't even  mad; he feels too great to be angry. He looks back at Dirk. Dazed, with a kiss-bitten smile, he gives Todd a thumbs-up. Dirk's feeling too good to be upset, either. Everything is amazing.

Todd doesn't remember much else.

He notices a few things when he wakes. One, Farah is next to him- and she's wearing his shirt. Two, he's wearing a new shirt. And finally, he's still wearing the pants.

Kept his pants and gained a shirt. Not the typical result of a party aftermath.

Also, the distinct lack of a hangover. Love spells and alcohol aren't the same then.

When he stands up, he feels something hanging on his neck. At further inspection, he realises they're glowsticks. Dirk's glowsticks. That he put around Todd's neck when they were...

_Oh, fuck._

He made out with Dirk and he remembers it all with sudden clarity. He  initiated it, too. He flushes when he remembers the noises Dirk made.

Speak of the devil, Dirk enters the room. He looks far worse than the rest of them. Todd isn't sure why he's seems so ruffled. He hopes it isn't because of what they got up too.

Deal with that later. Much later. Dirk might not even remember.

Todd switches back to case mode. He, Tina and Farah discuss with Poncho about Suzie Boreton, whilst Dirk lingers from a distance. They agree on the hospital.

It all falls apart.

Todd can only watch as Dirk crumbles and burns. He's never seen somebody hit rock bottom and then some. As high-strung as he feels, he grasps at the  flimsiest strands of hope.  Wendimoor . They need to go there. Fuck everything else- he needs to get to Amanda. If Dirk won't help him, then screw it- he can work this out alone- who needs interconnections from the Universe?

There's gotta be something with the bed, right? Something... something. Dirk sinks into the corner like a kid in timeout. Todd's jumping on the bed, exhausting his options, but the answer is there, it's-

"Svlad Cjelli."

Todd freezes.

"It's time to come home."

Todd gets off the bed. He doesn't know that voice. Where the hell's Farah?

"-People died today because of you."

Todd looks at Dirk. He's never seen someone look so scared.

"Who the hell's that?" Todd whispers.

"That's Priest. Farah's dead." No, not Farah. Never Farah.

Dirk continues like he's following a script. "I'm sorry, Todd- but you're dead, too."

Todd stares as Dirk half-crawls onto the bed, accepting fate. Todd can't accept death right now. It's not  supposed to end like this- before anything's really begun. 

Somebody told him once that giving up is the easy option. Todd's past easy.

"-Poor confused, dangerous little Svlad Cjelli. Dirk Gently. Project Icarus. Always in trouble." The voice calls out. "Come back to Blackwing before anyone else dies because of you."

"I  deserve to go back."

Todd Brotzman has never claimed to know much. He has no idea who this Priest guy is. But he knows two things. Dirk doesn't deserve to go back. And Priest isn't getting a finger on his best friend.

Todd has maybe thirty seconds to save Dirk.

Dirk was wet. Panto was wet. The water  damage . The bed that disappeared- it had closed. Yes! Solved it!

Todd hears gunshots, before him and Dirk got swallowed by darkness.

Todd's seen more incredible things in the span of two months than he has in his entire life. Never did he think he would have thought he would be in a world of fantasy.

It's amazing, it's insane and Dirk is...

reminding Todd of himself a little bit, during the run. Not exactly the same. Whilst Todd was stubbornly not giving up. Dirk is stubbornly giving up. What happened to the man that made Todd pick up the phone the first time?

Someone who stood for something. Now just.

Just.

"Look- Dirk, I need you for this. That's what friends do." Todd takes a breath. "That's what... what more than friends do."

Dirk's eyes flick up to Todd's for a fraction of a second.

"You remember, right? We-"

"Got stupid on the result of a bloody witch spell. You're just some guy, Todd. Some guy whose life I ruined. Like I ruin everything."

Being punched in the face would hurt less. Todd leaves Dirk to his pity party. He'll pick him up after.

"I'll come back for you." He mutters, as he leaves. Whether Dirk likes it or not, Todd's in it for the long haul. Feelings be damned.

Running blindly through the forest isn't really helpful, so Todd slows to a determined walk- and absolutely not getting lost, despite the lack of plan outside of find Amanda and The Boy. Todd mulls over his last interaction with Dirk.

Now that the heat of the moment had cooled, Todd reaches the conclusion that he's certain Dirk didn't mean what he said. Dirk, when he heard that guy -Mr. Priest- had devolved into a child almost. He had mention meeting Priest before. Todd shudders to think what Priest did to him. What Blackwing did to him. 

That thought makes Todd realise he doesn't really know Dirk as well as he  initially thought.

But I want to learn. Todd thinks. The good, bad, whatever. I want to learn and understand.

He was so wrapped in his thoughts that he didn't realise he was being ambushed. Todd doesn't know these two guys- but they know of Dirk Gently and that's good enough for Todd at this point.

Seeing Amanda again, nearly had him crying. Everything going completely wrong afterwards also has the same effect.

Getting executed via sliced in half by giant scissors is one hell of a way to go out though. He just hopes Dirk knows that Todd didn't give up on him.

Seeing Dirk reveal himself as the executioner feels Todd with the same brimming excitement when he found Dirk in the car trunk. Was that really a week ago? Todd's pretty sure he's aged a lifetime since.

"I knew you'd show up!" He exclaims, as Dirk helps him down.

"You did?" Dirk seems surprised, but he's biting back a smile.

"Well, I accepted it as a possibility, yeah."

Amanda gives a  whoop of joy and pulls them both into a hug. Todd wants to stay like that forever.

But they really can't. Dirk solved the case- Todd knew he would! - and now the ball's rolling- they can have a celebratory hug when they get The Boy. Shouldn't be a problem- Dirk has him and the Rowdy Three for protection.

The horrifying realisation the Dirk will have to go in alone hits Todd like a train. And apparently Dirk is on the same boat. He barely tries to hide it.

"Dirk!" Todd grabs his arms. He can feel Dirk shaking. "Stop with the- words."

Dirk falls silent, aside from unsteady breathing. He looks how he did when he heard Priest's voice- small and scared. Todd wants to kiss him. But he isn't entirely sure if that's welcomed with Dirk. Instead, he cradles Dirk's face.

"Don't spin out. You can do this." Todd says gently, wiping under Dirk's eyes with his thumbs. "I believe in you, alright?"

Dirk sags into Todd's touch, briefly forgetting himself. He pulls away. He still looks miserable, but he nods bravely.

"O-ok."

The Rowdy Three leave the ruins for the fight, the Beast hurrying to a little darkened area to hide, leaving Todd, Amanda and Dirk to get into position.

Todd, alongside Amanda, plunges his hands into the pool. The immense pain of a pararibulitis attack hits him full force.

Above his muffled screaming, Todd swears he hears a 'Don't. Panic.'

Dirk returns with The Boy. And  also, his yellow jacket, and more concerningly a bullet wound in the leg. Todd's still shaking with adrenaline- and relief from not getting slowly killed by a crazy mom- that he really doesn't have time to dwell on it. Francis sent him back with an  Amboolents to find all his friend's with bullet wounds. At least he got off bullet-free.

He's just used Tina's phone to call an actual  Ambulance when Dirk materialises in front him.

"Ow-ow. I am never going to be a fan of bullets!" Dirk shifts his weight uneasily.

"Dirk!  Oh, thank god." Todd rushes over to him. "I've- I've called help. They'll be here soon."

"Is Farah OK? And Tina and Hobbs." Dirk suddenly looks frantic at the sight of bodies. "Oh my God!" He lurches forward, but  immediately winces in pain.

"Whoa-whoa! Easy, man! They'll be fine." 

"... Dirk? Is that you?" Farah croaks.

"Yes! Yes, it's me. Farah, I am so glad to see you're not dead."

She smiles weakly. "Me too. The Boy... Wendimoor. All safe?"

"Yes. All hunky-dory. I'll fill you in when we're all much more upright-y."

Todd sits back on his heels.  There are sirens in the distance. It's all good now.

They have to stay in the hospital for a few days. Well, Tina, Farah and Hobbs do- Dirk just needs to stay overnight- leaving Todd by himself. Apparently, when Francis removed the shapes crushing him death, he had gotten healed as well. Hobbs gives Todd the key to his place, partly so Todd has a place that isn't a motel or the station, but mostly because Mustard the cat hasn't eaten in a few days. So, if he could pet-sit the poor lady for a few days? Todd's happy to accept.

The next day, Todd makes a quick pitstop to the station to find a change of clothes for himself- and for Dirk.

On the way to the hospital, he sees a  familiar look van. Todd has never felt more hopeful seeing it. He'll come back for that.

Dirk is already standing outside the hospital, leaning on his crutches. Todd has a sense of  déjà vu .

"Well, here we are." He says as he approaches.

There's a slight smile on Dirk's face. "Where?"

Todd smiles back.

Saying goodbye to Amanda leaves Todd feeling wrung out, but in a good way. Their relationship will never be the same- Todd can accept that now- but Amanda left with the hope it could be something close again. Other people need him now.

Dirk and Todd spend the next few days in the hospital, or just  reveling in the current almost-normalcy of their lives. They sleep in Dirk's blanket nest. Neither say anything when they wake up in a tangle of limbs.

When the rest are released, they stay for one more day for a celebratory dinner. They say their see-you-laters, they have a long drive ahead of them.

Todd takes the wheel for the majority of it. They aren't on the run anymore, so there's no hurry. They make frequent stops and stay overnight at a motel. Todd and Dirk shared a room, whilst Farah was next door. It was early morning when Todd woke. Dirk was still sleeping, lying flat on his back in the next bed. It's a somewhat strange sight, if it wasn't for Dirk's relaxed expression and steady breathing, Todd would assume the worst. Knowing Dirk hasn't been sleeping well and not wanting to disturb him, Todd crept outside and took in the morning sun. It's oddly  reminiscent of his days of touring. He misses it.

"Y'know, I always suspected Farah being the morning person, not you." Dirk's voice pipes up behind him.

Todd laughs. "I have my days. But you're not wrong- when we were looking for you, Farah would wake as the sun rose."

"You and Farah... must've gotten close during that." Dirk seems to be fishing for information, though Todd isn't sure what.

"I mean, we had like... a moment?" Todd shrugs. "Didn't go anywhere, obviously. She realised she's pretty gay and I..."

Didn't feel any differently for her- same as everyone else. Except you.

Todd decides to not vocalise this. He sighs and shakes his head.

"Doesn't matter. Her and Tina are together. Early days, but I'm happy for them." He says instead. 

Dirk seems satisfied. He squints at the sky.

"How long do you think it will take to get to Seattle?"

"Uh... if there's no hold-ups... a few hours? Midday, I think."

Dirk nods. "We need to go to the Ridgely."

"What, why?"

"Our... stuff's there?"

"We haven't lived there in months! They've probably been broken into."

"Who'd break into that place? Be real, Todd."

"You did."

Dirk flounders for a second. "Only because I told me you'd be there!"

Todd blushes furiously but manages to compose himself.

They continue bickering until Farah joins them to say as much as she loves them, they better not be discussing her love life.

Dirk's right- their apartments are untouched, like they were frozen in time. Everything covered in dust. Honestly, Todd's just relieved that his guitar had survived this.

They end up staying in these  apartments for a few days- Farah sharing with Dirk (his was nicer)- whilst they look for new ones. Farah takes charge of most of it, she having better understanding of all the different factors- location, security and also considering the office chosen for the agency.

She narrows down the options and lets Dirk have the final say. It's predictably the perfect choice.

Todd had little involvement with this, leaving it in their capable hands, whilst he opted on groceries- all of them had been eating horrendously. Todd, the ever worrier, was a little concerned. In the evenings, he played his guitar. He was a little out of practice, but fell into  rhythm easily. He plays and plays.

Within the week, they're in their new place. Todd and Dirk decided to share an apartment, whilst Farah was across from them. Moving in doesn't take long. Todd's the only with enough stuff that he needs to make a couple trips. Dirk's entire life could fit inside an overnight bag- a thought that depresses Todd deeply. He plans on  rectifying that.

He lets Dirk decide on the majority of furnishings in their home- he's never been big on interior design. But he would admit Dirk's tastes can be debatable at times. He's too far gone to care though.

The agency opening is the happiest of Todd's life. Mostly because Dirk's own  unbridled joy is contagious. 

Cases do not so much knock on the door, as much as Dirk stumbles upon them. Todd loves it though. All the crazy, danger, even the near-death experiences. Most of all, Todd loves seeing Dirk in his element. His control and intensity when he  has all the pieces and everything connects. Todd will never tire from it. He's ready to follow Dirk to the ends of the Universe. 

Todd's crush intensifies overtime. He was hoping it would be similar to Farah- an initial infatuation- but seeing more sides of Dirk, his laugh, his anger, his surprisingly perceptive takes, makes Todd fall harder. But there's always that niggling doubt from their  argument when they first arrived in  Wendimoor . It came from a place of anger, yes, but it doesn't mean it couldn't be true. Todd deals with it the way he does best, sitting on it and hoping he never has to deal with it, ever.

His sister sees through his bullshit.

Amanda's calls were somewhat infrequent at best. But her visits were even more spotty. She usually visited when she was willing to spend time with Todd. It was the one of the few times Todd left his post at the agency.

They were seated at a nice-than-usual cafe. Todd had no idea where the Rowdy Three were, and he didn't want to know.

Their conversation was a little stilted at first, as it always was nowadays, but they fell into their usual rhythm.

Amanda filled him in on what her and her punk  hype men had been up to, whilst Todd informed her of the most recent case, no details skipped. His mind still reeled that this was his normal now.

"So," Amanda says, when there's a lull in the  conversation . "You and Dirk."

"Me and Dirk what?"

"You like... together yet?"

Todd almost chokes. "Amanda!"

"Dude, seriously?" Amanda passes him his drink. "You set up the agency almost a year ago and you're still just... not dealing with it?"

"Well, I-"

"Didn't you two make-out at that festival?"

Todd stiffens. "I never told you that."

"Aha! But you're admitting it by saying that." Amanda grins wickedly. "Tina told me you were all eating  each other's faces and shit."

Todd feels himself redden. "God, I wish Farah never let you two  meet ."

"Hey! At least those two got their shit together. Anyway, even if she didn't say- I saw you two when we were gonna send Dirk to get Francis. I thought you were gonna kiss him when you gave him the pep talk."

Todd covers his face in hands, ignoring her last statement. "Look- at the festival- we were under the influence. It didn't mean anything."

"Didn't it, though?"

Todd doesn't respond.

Amanda takes this as an opportunity to expose him further. "According to Farah- you two are really devoted to each other. Like you tend to each other's injuries, even though most the time you could do it alone. He carries his own bottle of your medication, even though you have your own. And didn't you take a bullet for him at some point? That's some movie level bullshit, and you know it."

"I couldn't let him get shot again, Amanda." Is all Todd can feebly reply.

"Todd- I know you've convinced yourself you don't deserve good things. And I use to think that- sometimes, I still do.  But you've been doing better. You are better. I'm... proud of you, almost. Why are you holding back on this?"

Todd shrugs,  half-heartedly "I'm his first friend- what if I screw that up? It's not just me- it's not fair to put pressure on him like that."

"Todd, you're different with him. I've never seen you like that with your past girlfriends."

"What do you mean."

"Like, with... what's-her-face?" Amanda drums her fingers on the table. "Maisie! That was it. She was really into you, dude. But you weren't. It was like you did it to prove something. When you broke up, you were relieved. Same with your future girlfriends. Same cycle."

"That's the problem!" Todd snaps.

Amanda is briefly stunned. Todd never gets mad at her. "Are you... having like, a sexuality crisis?" She narrows her eyes. "You told me you were bi years ago."

Todd huffs and sinks into his seat. He doesn't want to talk to Amanda about his love life- or lack of one.

"I am- I think. It's just... other things. I don't know if I can give it to Dirk."

Amanda rolls her eyes. "Todd, listen- Dirk adores you. He acts like you hung the fucking moon. He has so many friends now, but he's different with you, as well."

Todd fiddles with his shirt sleeve.

"Look- You've screwed up in the worst ways. Dirk knows this. And y'know what? He still sees the best of you. Even if you can't give him everything- whatever that means- that has to count for something, right?"

Todd stares at their empty plates. He hears loud music in the distance. Amanda stands up and stretches.

"That's my ride. You're paying, right?"

"Always do."

She grins. "Think about what I said, alright? And if you break Dirk's heart, I'll send the boys after you."

"Wait- you're my sister! Why am I getting my ass kicked?"

"See ya, asshole!" She calls over her shoulder.

"... Love you too."

Todd sits with his thoughts, until the waiter hands him the bill. He pays and leaves. Todd shoots a quick text to Dirk, informing him that he'll be back in twenty minutes. On the walk home, Todd mulls over Amanda's words. He had accepted he might not have a chance with Dirk- their argument in the Wendimoor ruins still hangs a little heavy and Dirk never bought it up again. But if what Amanda says is true? Todd's butterflies are in overdrive. 

Despite this revelation, there's a twinge of anxiety. And the idea of just waltzing into the agency and dipping Dirk into a kiss is a little out of Todd's expertise. Todd's made a lot of impulsive choices in his life- many did not go over well. This isn't something he wants to fuck up.

When Todd gets back to the agency, Dirk is in an animated conversation with a mug. Could be Mona, or just a regular mug, Todd seen Dirk talk to both before. He was speaking a mile a minute, so Todd only caught the  tail end of his conversation.

"-interested. Maybe 87% certain. Highly likely, but there's still 13% leftover. A very distrustful amount, so-"

He jumps out of his skin when he sees Todd. When he recovers, he breaks into a huge smile.

"Todd! Hi-iii! You're back early!"

"Hi? I texted you."

"Oh, right. I got distracted. How's Amanda?"

"She's good- great, even. We talked about... stuff and things."

Dirk nods seriously. "Very important topics of discussion."

"What about you? Universe throw any weird shit at you?"

"Funnily enough, I did get a hunch that we would be having pizza tonight."

"Let me guess- I'm paying?"

"You know you're really getting good with being an assist-friend, Todd!"

Todd rolls his eyes, but he can feel the smile tugging at his lips.

The confession can wait. Work out what he wants to say. Although, knowing Todd's experience with the Universe, it'll probably happen when they're dying in one another's arms, or something.

The confession doesn't happen as a result of riding the high of an adrenaline rush, or dying in  each other's arms trying not to panic and cry but failing horrendously.

It was a lazy, sunny afternoon. Nothing significant at all.

Todd had been lying on the floor of the apartment, listening to music. He never really did this at the Ridgely- God knows what had been on that floor before he had moved in- but this place was in better quality.

Dirk never seemed bothered by it either- usually just stepped over Todd as he went about his business, or offered a couch cushion to put under his head. More recently, however, Dirk sometimes joined him on the floor. Todd didn't mind- actually he minded a lot, touching Dirk with the entire side of his body, but he can have amazing self-control when he wills it with his entire  existence \- so he unplugs his headphones, so they can listen together. It becomes a routine almost. It's never planned- just that it's whenever the Universe gives Dirk a chance to breathe- and is both excited about being in such close proximity to Dirk and hates it for the same reason. 

Dirk never notices Todd's messy thoughts. He's the complete opposite- perfectly content, eyes closed, a peaceful smile on his lips. Todd finds himself staring out the corner of his eye, feeling fluttery all over.

Anyway, Todd had been drifting off to the music, when Dirk joins him, as always. As he presses up against Todd's side, Todd unplugs his headphones.

Todd's not sure how long they were lying there. Long enough that Dirk is starting to doze off. Todd stares. As always, his eyes are closed. His head tipped slightly in Todd's direction. The sunlight illuminates him, making him golden. Todd hasn't done any song writing in years, but he wants to wax all the lyrical, poetic bullshit ever when it comes it Dirk- anything from sunlight to galaxies to colourful jackets. Dirk inspires him.

"God, you're perfect." Todd  murmurs , without thinking.

Dirk opens his eyes. "What?"

Fuck. Todd flames up  immediately . "N-nothing!" He looks away.

He can sense Dirk prop himself up onto one elbow.

"Did you... call me perfect?"

"You're hearing things. I said you're an idiot."

Dirk snorts. "I stand wildly corrected, then."

"Good. I'm glad we're on the same page." Todd knows he's being childish but denial is his go-too.

They're quiet for a moment. Then Dirk speaks up.

"I think you're perfect, too, y'know."

Dirk says it so softly, Todd almost misses it. He turns his head and sees Dirk looking at him with a wonderous expression on his face.

"What?"

Dirk shifts, nervously. He looks away. "When I was... gone, back  then... I dreamt about you- and Farah."

"Dirk..."

"You were-" Dirk mulls over his words. "- dressed in all black. You had a crossbow. You looked bloody amazing. Like this- this big badass."

Todd feels the prickle of jealously over Dirk's apparent 'Dream Guy'  till he realises with  embarrassment that he's jealous of himself. Embarrassment shifts to bashfulness when he realises that he, in fact, is Dirk's 'Dream Guy'. He's hot all over. He mirrors Dirk's pose.

"Dirk... what are you getting at?" Todd knows, but he just needed it to be confirmed.

"That I like you." Dirk says simply. "A lot. And for a while."

"How- how long?"

Dirk considers this. "When we first met. I was already so excited that I was getting a best friend- that meant you were going to a  consistent in my life. It spiraled from there- but accepted that it wouldn't be any more than a crush on my part. I didn't really consider the possibility that you might have... liked me back until you came to the hospital."

"That... far back?"

Dirk leans a little in. "What about you?"

"Me- what?" 

Dirk suddenly looks uncertain. "We're... we're on the same boat, right? Please don't tell me I've misread this wrong. Oh... stupid-"

Todd cuts him off. "No! No- you're right." Todd pauses. "I like you, too. Really like you. I didn't realise as quickly as you did. When Farah and I were on the run- I just... kept thinking about you. Then you were in the trunk and it was just- it was you, right there."

Dirk smiles bashfully. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I did- at the Sound of Nothing, technically."

"So did I... I know that week was, well. Less than ideal, shall we say, but why did we faff about so much after?"

"Well, I did try to- in the Wendimoor ruins. You were dismissive about what happened. I thought, for you, it really was due to the love spell."

Dirk pulls back slightly, looking  visibly upset. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't-"

Todd hastily cuts in. "I-I don't blame you- at all! If anything, I should be apologising- you were going through the shittiest time. There was so much pressure on you and I didn't handle it well." Todd takes a deep breath. "So, Dirk. I'm sorry."

Dirk's taken slightly aback. "Apology accepted."

There's a pause.

"I'm a little sad-." Dirk says conversationally, sitting up properly, rubbing his elbow from where he lent on it. "-That our first kiss- our first several kisses, in fact- were the result of a magic spell." 

Todd sits up too, a tiny buzz of excitement  under his skin. "What should we do about that?"

Dirk's eyes flicker to Todd's mouth. "I'd like you to kiss me, if you please, Todd."

Todd was nothing if not eager to please.

Their first non-love-spell kiss was a little awkward. Todd was out of practice and he suspects Dirk may have been too. It was a small thing, but when they pulled  back, they were a little pink in the face. Dirk's eyes were closed.

"Well, how was that?" Todd tried to sound confident, but he was a little shy.

Dirk's mouth curled into a smile. 

"Not bad." He opens his eyes, a mischievous glint in his eye. "But I seem to remember the kisses at the festival. You were extremely thorough."

Todd huffs. "You better not keep that comparison going."

"I promise I-" Dirk is cut off when Todd grabs his face and deepens the kiss. Gently biting his bottom lip.

Dirk lets out a delighted sound of approval. With a surge of confidence- and hey, Dirk wants the recreation- Todd pushes his tongue in.

Dirk's moan is music to Todd's ears. It's been so long since he's enjoyed this.

By the time Todd pulls away, he's straddling Dirk, arms wound around his neck. Dirk's hands are gripping Todd's hips.

Dirk looks ruffled. Colour high on his cheeks, his hair delightfully tousled. When his eyes flutter open, his pupils are blown wide. Todd licks his lips- he imagines he isn't faring better.

"Wow..." Dirk  murmurs dreamily.

"Well? Was I ' _extremely thorough_ '?" Todd is feeling unbelievably pleased with himself. Still got it.

"I'm... processing."

"Keep me updated, then."

Dirk swats at his hip. Todd eases himself off, as much as he was enjoying himself, he didn't really want to pursue anything further than making-out. He keeps himself pressed against Dirk's side, though.

"Does this mean..." Dirk hesitates. "Are we dating?"

"Well, I hope so. Do you want to be?"

"Yes! Of course! It's just..." Dirk trails off, looking nervously.

Todd straightens. "Dirk, what is it?"

"I've never really... done this before." Dirk says sheepishly.

"What, dating?"

"When I said you were the first person to actually stick around, Todd, I meant it. The Stream of Creation didn't really allow this sort of thing."

Todd couldn't say he was overtly surprised. He didn't want to invalidate Dirk's worries. "It's fine, Dirk. Like, I haven't dated anyone in years. We can work it out together."

Dirk seems relieved. "Can we go back to kissing?"

"Sure, but the couch is literally 3ft away, it'll be more comfortable there."

Dirk laughs. A light, airy sound.

* * *

Things don't change much after. For the first couple of months, anyway. Farah is happy for them, hugging them both and telling 'it's about time! I can't believe it took you both that long to get to the same page! I'm so happy for you!' 

Amanda is  hiding her joy- but Todd can hear it, he knows her well- and she jokingly reminds him of her warning. Todd has a suspicion that she might not be entirely kidding, though. Hobbs and Tina are happy, too. Tina tells Todd; 'You  gotta come visit, so we can go on a double date, dude!'

It's good. It's really good.

They're a little shy with each other, initially. Dirk having never been romantically involved, and Todd wasn't exactly boyfriend of the year, but they work themselves out together. Despite how hot and heavy they were when getting together, they took it slow after- Todd's idea, partly because it was new to Dirk, but mostly because he was so worried about screwing it up. They lived together, but continued to sleep in  separate rooms. Little, shy kisses in the morning, holding hands when heading to the agency. Farah playfully chastises them sometimes, but there's no heat behind it.

Things heat up during cases. Todd still follows Dirk into the danger with a wild heart. Still an intense, protective streak that has  definitely been amplifying since getting together. After an adrenaline-filled case, Todd kisses Dirk hot and hard on the mouth, with Dirk matching the movement. Gradually, the nerves ease up and the affection is second nature. Todd never thought it was possible for him to feel like this over anyone.

Todd learns that they both crave contact. Dirk doesn't surprise him- a depressing thought, but Todd gets reminded more often then he wants that Dirk was deprived of love and care \- but he never realised how badly he needed to be touched, himself. Even the little casual touches- pressing shoulders together in a booth, pecks on the cheek when he brings Dirk tea, leaves a spark in Todd. They find themselves in a tangled mess on the couch, Dirk peppering kisses all over Todd's face, leaving Todd giggling, red in the cheeks and so, so happy.

They start sharing a bed together. They've dozed during movie night, working overnight at the agency and waking it slumped against  each other that it made sense to wake up slumped in bed. It's usually in Todd's room- Todd has had acid trips more normal than Dirk's bedroom. It's a little unnerving at first, as Dirk's sleep patterns often involve him sleeping flat on his back and waking at specific times. Todd sometimes sees him sleeping on top of the covers in yesterday's clothes. It doesn't take a genius to work out why. But he's gradually broken those sleeping habits and is perfectly content in Todd's embrace. Todd continues to cling to people like a koala in his sleep, so it works out well. Todd likes to hold and Dirk likes to be held.

Aside from the rapid increase of make-outs, they've done nothing sexual. Todd carefully stops it when hands start to roam a little low, or hips twitch a little too much. Thankfully, Dirk doesn't seem particular bothered by it, if anything he seems more than happy just enjoying Todd's company. Todd really hopes it isn't the result of setting the bar that low for himself.

The lack of sex... bothers Todd more than it should probably warrant. It's been many months, and sure, some people go longer or they wait  till marriage, but Todd isn't one of these people (he thinks anyway), and it eats at him. Dirk has never given any indication he wants sex right now and he doesn't strike Todd as the kind of person to subtly hint he wants some. Maybe he's waiting for Todd to take the lead. Todd's not great at that.

It does feel like he is leading, though. Leading Dirk on. He was the one who initiates a lot of the more intimate things. He never realised just how much he wants intimacy- he supposes self-exiling himself from forming meaningful relationships would do that. He started the bed-sharing, saying it'll be more comfortable to sleep in a bed, than squashed up on a couch. He sometimes wore Dirk's hoodies- to be fair, Dirk never really wore them, he was more of a  demin or leather jacket kind of guy- they just a tiny bit oversized on him, sleeves ending at his fingertips, and Dirk clearly loved him in them. One time, when Todd was feeling a little daring, he wore one of Dirk's leathers- opting for the black one with coloured stripes, yellow wasn't really Todd's colour- and Dirk's interest was certainly apparent when he took that sight in. It left Todd squirming in Dirk's lap, shirt unbuttoned, whilst Dirk got very involved with Todd's neck, collarbones and chest. Todd's body expressed interest, and he was pretty sure Dirk’s was as well, but Todd stopped it. He felt horrendously guilty, but when Dirk pulled back to marvel at his handiwork, he was certain there were no hard feelings. It did leave Todd making a mental note that next time, because he was _so_ going to do this again, he wouldn't wear a shirt. But he may need to invest in some turtlenecks if Farah's raised eyebrow is anything to go by the  next day. 

Todd always thought of himself as body  conscious , but with Dirk- despite Dirk being  visibly fitter, he was apparently a bigger exhibitionist than he originally thought. Which was well, considering their relationship had developed to the point that they were showering together.

Todd knew getting into a relationship with somebody like Dirk, that certain parts were to be unconventional. And, whilst Todd had never done this with anyone before, he was pretty sure that showering together happened when you've been together for a while and well, have had sex. It might not be as weird as Todd is assuming, but he can't help but think it's slightly backwards. He can only vaguely remember how it started and it was certainly not for the most romantic circumstances. A case- the kind where it goes horribly wrong before perfectly right- that involved scientists, mad ones obviously, manufacturing of weapons and Todd getting kidnapped. Todd has no idea why- Farah had theorised it was to keep everyone's focus in the wrong places. The case had gotten solved a few days after Todd was taken. His sister and the Rowdy 3 had found him- at that point, he had very little food and water and went unmedicated. He had enough attacks that he was burnt-out and out of it.

He woke in a hospital bed, with Amanda, Farah and Dirk's worried faces in his line of sight. After a lot of hugging, crying and being filled in with the past few days, a doctor arrives to give Todd a  check-up . He's fine- dehydrated and exhausted, but they decide to keep him overnight for observation. Amanda and Farah have to gently coax Dirk out of the hospital when visiting hours were over.

Dirk is clingier than normal when Todd arrives home, reluctant to leave Todd's side. Todd allows it, not wanting to be  a part of Dirk, either. Possibly due to exhaustion, or not wanting Dirk out of his sight, he sleepily suggests that they could shower together if it would ease Dirk worries. Dirk is startled by the suggestion, but he accepts. It's not a romantic affair, and certainly not sexually charged, either. 

They stand under the spray, they're both too stressed and exhausted to really check out each other's bodies. Dirk uses a washcloth and soap and focuses on cleaning Todd, completely focused on his task. He switches to shampoo and proceeds to wash Todd's hair. As he's washing the studs out, Todd rests his head against Dirk's shoulder, it's more intimate than anything he's ever done before- he'll never know how Dirk manages to make him want to be vulnerable. He then returns the favour; Dirk letting out little shuddering breaths. They dry themselves off, don't bother putting new clothes on and just crawl into bed together. Todd falls asleep with Dirk running his hands through his hair.

It never ended up a one-off thing. They use the guise of being worried over each other, but eventually, they're so willing to be vulnerable with each other that it becomes frequent between them. Dirk's breath still catches when he sees Todd naked, pressing kisses along his jaw and running his hands down Todd's chest. Todd always preens under the attention- he doesn't think he'll ever get use to someone reacting like that to him. He doesn't leave Dirk without any appreciation for his body, either. Kissing the hollow of his throat and down his chest. Fingers trailing gently over scars- Todd knows the stories behind some, and maybe one day, he'll learn about the others.

They get more thorough with washing each other- Todd almost wishes the bathroom was large enough to install a bathtub- but less practical and more sensual. Todd's breath hitches nervously when Dirk kneels before him. He continues the cleaning, brow furrowed in concentration, but he presses lingering kisses along Todd's hipbones and down his thighs,  murmuring little compliments against his skin. He preemptively avoids certain areas- aside from cleaning- when performing such an intimate task and Todd's kind of amazed at his self-control. He pulls Dirk to his feet, so he can fawn over Dirk's body, too.

There's a recurring trait with Dirk when he finishes a case. He sleeps for a long period of time- sometimes a full day, depending on how hectic the case was. It  use to worry Todd a lot, but overtime he supposes that having the Universe drag you around would tire anyone. Dirk usually just retreats to his bedroom, or collapses on the couch. Todd removes his shoes and throws a blanket on him, then leaves him be. If it's already late, Todd joins him. But if it's earlier in the day, Todd busies himself with various chores, and periodically checking in on Dirk. Nothing ever changes with Dirk in his post-case slumber, but Todd has always been a worrier.

It's eerily quiet in the apartment during these periods. Which means Todd gets stuck in his thoughts. There's one in particular that gets hooked onto him. That little prickle down his spine.

The whole not-sex they're having. 

It sounds so stupid, but Todd can't help but worry about it. They've been together for close to eight months and nothing. Not that Todd's complaining- he loves what they're doing and where they're are, but he doesn't know how Dirk's feeling about this, and he's scared to think that Dirk's feeling like he's been strung along for something that might not happen. He can't ignore it. He retreats to his own room and flops heavily onto his bed.

_Does he like sex?_

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it? Stances can change. Except, he hasn't had any in over half a decade and it had reached a point he never even thought about it. He never interacted with anyone and felt any sexual attraction. He's never so much checked anyone out. He never understood that- people would check out anyone, flirt in every conversation. Whatever switch people had that gave them that attraction was clearly broken with Todd. Batteries flat, charger misplaced.

But it had changed. With Farah- it was brief, yes, but it had been something. A little, flittering something.

And then there's Dirk. Which is a very big something right now. Todd's got it so bad, he couldn't deny it. He wouldn't deny it. Why would he? Dirk has moved into his heart and lives there perfectly.

_Does he like Dirk?_

Yes, obviously. He might even dare say he like-likes him.

But it's not like he hasn't liked people before- not many, but there were some. But with Dirk, it runs a deep, crazy amount. He's never really felt that way over anyone, not that extreme. That need to close with him, do everything with him, enjoying him. That's not sexual, though.

Which begs the question, _does he want to have sex? Specifically, with Dirk?_

Todd can't answer. He's too  indecisive on it. He's attracted to Dirk- that's been established. He loves Dirk in a deep, connected way. Physically? Todd isn't sure if it's a sexual interest. He's seen Dirk naked plenty of times now, and he's breathless every time. He certainly enjoys touching Dirk and being equally enjoyed in return. The sounds Dirk makes when Todd kisses his neck, or the way Dirk looks at Todd through heavy-lidded eyes, like Todd is something precious, makes Todd hunger for more.

There's a problem but he doesn't know exactly what it is. He feels something for Dirk- an intense something. He doesn't have that draw to sex. He's aware he has a messy relationship with sex- the  lingering's of his college days. But the lack of pull wasn't a result of that- Todd's certain he's always been like that. What if he falls back into his old habits? He couldn't do that to Dirk.

Todd huffs and buries his face into his pillow. He plugs in his headphones and plays his music so loud that he can no longer hear his thoughts.

Dirk does try to initiate something, eventually. Todd should've known he couldn't have avoided this.

It was nothing bad, but Todd wasn't ready.

They were in bed. Dirk was on top of Todd, which was a pretty common position for them. Things were pretty heated at this point- hair mussed, shirts hitched up. Todd's enjoying it, drunk on the sensations. They're getting handsy with each other, running along their sides. Todd's getting lost in moment, when he feels something brush against his crotch. Todd stiffens. Dirk, always perfectly attuned to Todd's needs,  immediately notices. He withdraws his hand.

"Todd?" Dirk's scanning his face, perhaps expecting an attack.

"Mmmph." Is all Todd can squeak out.

Dirk scrabbles off of Todd, he's getting frantic. "Todd, what's wrong? Did-did I do something? Is it an attack?"

Todd shakes his head, face red. "No! No... it's just. Can we not, uhm... go further? With what we were doing?"

Dirk tips his head. Todd can see a flicker of something in his eyes. Guilt? Concern? ... Disappointment? 

Dirk then smiles gently. "That's fine. We never have to do anything you don't want."

_But what about what you want?_ Todd feels horrendous.

They just cuddle for the rest of night. Dirk isn't usually the big spoon, but he sensed that Todd is the one who needs to feel safe right now. Todd twists round in Dirk's arms and hides in Dirk's chest.

Todd wakes alone. He's briefly panicked, but he hears noises in the kitchen. He drags himself out of bed. He feels uneasy, but maybe Dirk doesn't even remember that weird little moment last night. When he enters the kitchen, Dirk is making coffee (for Todd) and tea (for himself). Dirk looks up, chirps out a 'Good morning!' and hands Todd his cup. They sit at the table, lost in thoughts.

"Do you have an issue with sex, Todd?"

Todd splutters his coffee. Dirk says it with the same tone of 'It's a bit rainy out, isn't it?' Todd should have expected that Dirk would question it. First thing in morning was not in the expectation. Todd's brain hasn't completed booted up yet.

"I've had sex." Todd's entire face flames up. 

Dirk- despite his track record of room reading- has the decency to not make fun of him. " That's... good? It is- or, was good?"

"No. I mean... yes. Sometimes."

"You've given me every answer, Todd." Dirk looks concerned. Todd's heart seizes up.

"I think there's something wrong with me." Todd blurts. "Like- like... even when I was younger. People would ask who I found hot- and there wasn't anybody? And then I just... fucked around in college. It- people just do it, don't they? Everyone did it.  So, I did. And- and-"

"Todd!" Dirk's voice breaks through Todd's panicked words.

Todd stutters to a stop. He didn't realise he was crying. Dirk's hands hover anxiously in front of his face, like he wants to touch Todd but isn't sure if he's welcome. Instead, he finds one of his impulse-bought blankets and drapes it over Todd's shoulders. Todd  immediately cocoons himself tightly inside it. Dirk pours him a glass of water. It's a typical way Dirk comforts people, but hasn't worked out the exact problem yet.

Todd stares intently at his coffee mug-  coffee gone cold. There's a chip along the rim. He should get a new one. Dirk- sensing that Todd doesn't want to be the subject of scrutiny- busies himself with making more tea and coffee. Todd feels a little more settled. He takes a sip of water. Rip off the band-aid. Todd knows Dirk won't judge him- he trusts him completely.

"I don't- hate sex." Todd begins slowly. "But it's like, I don't get that- that pull?"

Dirk doesn't respond. Todd mulls over his next words.

"Even when I was little- I know you didn't have the same, uh upbringing, but you didn't miss much- any conversation with my old friends about which girl was hot, or who I had a crush on- or with relatives: the 'got a girlfriend?' question. I just said whatever the- the right answer was."

Todd gives a heavy sigh. Dirk places his coffee in front of him, then sits down.

"It was the right answer for them. I dated. It was shitty of me- it was just to fit in. Like, I thought they were pretty and they were nice. But it just... that was it. I wasn't interested in kissing or making out, that usually resulted in them getting pretty pissed, actually."

Todd shakes his head. "They didn't deserve to be strung along." He takes a sip of coffee. "Then college happened. I had sex a lot. I thought it was normal. I know, rationally, that I could've just... not had sex- nobody would've cared. But I was stupid back then and cared too much how people saw me. I never stayed- or got emotionally attached. I always ran."

Todd pauses. "Then the band happened. I loved the band. The music, the performances." Todd is hit with a wave of nostalgia. "I- I gained a reputation. And I lived up to it."

Dirk had been silent the entire time. It reminds Todd of when he first confessed about having pararibulitis.

"Then Amanda got sick. I stopped doing anything at that point." There's a ghost of a smile on Todd's lips. "Our first conversation, you said I had boring, boring sex. You were wrong- I wasn't having any. I didn't even realise,  till it was pointed out."

Todd shifts in his seat. "I never felt- compelled, I guess? To do anything sexual. I mean like, I never-" Todd winces with embarrassment. "Y'know... masturbated or watched porn. Another thing people did, yet I didn't." He concludes.

They fall into silence. Todd is feeling more and more antsy with each passing minute.

"So, you're asexual?"

Todd shoots his head up. "I'm a what?"

"Asexual. Like, uh me?" Dirk looks nervous. "I mean- you might- might not be! It's a whole spectrum, with a lot of terms and you might not be-  lots of people are like that. I just-"

"Ok- ok, backup. Back to the beginning. You said... asexual?" Todd's heard the word. And he suspects he knows what it means. He's not sure if he's ready.

"The lack of sexual attraction. Like I said- big spectrum. But that's the gist."

Todd narrows his eyes. "And how did you work it out? That you're- you're that?"

Dirk shrugs. "At uni. I already knew I had a preference for men. I had sex a few times and I thought 'this is nice', but that was it. Never got the fuss- never seeked it out. Anyway-"

"Wait- I thought you said you've never dated?"

"I haven't." Dirk gives Todd a look. "Hook-up culture does exist in England, Todd."

"No, I just- you don't seem the type..." Todd trails off awkwardly.

Dirk isn’t offended by Todd’s assumptions. "I'm not, really. I never stayed the night, either. The Universe didn't really allow me to form relationships- I had to leave."

"The Universe sounds like a disapproving parent."

This startles a laugh out of Dirk. "I suppose so! But it approves of you- and that's what I care about, if I'm honest."

Todd blushes and looks away. Dirk continues on.

"I honestly couldn't remember the exact conversation. I was with some people- talking about guys. They were like 'Oh, he's hot- I'd shag him, what about you, Dirk?' and I was like, 'Well, he's certainly conventionally attractive'. This went on for a fair bit with other guys and they were all looking at me like I said something outlandish, which is ridiculous- it wasn't weird- I was still complimenting them-"

"Dirk."

"Right! So, eventually, one of them was all 'Oh, so are you like, asexual?' and I had no idea what that meant, so I said 'I have no idea what that means" and they explained, told me to look into it more myself.  So, I did and that was that."

"And you think... I might be?"

"Well... maybe. I did have an inkling. Several inklings. Oodles of inklings."

"What? When?"

"Do you remember the Sound of Nothing? Specifically- what you said that night?"

Todd snorts. "I said a lot of shit." Dirk looks wounded, so he quickly clarifies. "It was all true, though- every word."

"Yes, so I remember you saying you didn't want to do things- referring to sex. And, of course, we were surrounding by sweaty, horny people and I'm sure that was the main reason. But I thought, maybe he doesn't do casual, or he's waiting till marriage or- or maybe, just maybe- don't get  your hopes up, Dirk- he's like you with this sort of thing."

Dirk smiles softly. "And then we got together. And, I love it! But it's been months of no sex- I know some couples go longer, it's not that strange- that I started to suspect again. We share a bed, we shower together. We touch and kiss and make-out like it's going out of style. And you telling me all that, further confirms it- for me, at least."

Todd runs his hands over his face. It's a lot to take in. It doesn't feel wrong, though.

"You might be right. I- I don't know, but it feels like it could be."

"I usually am."

Todd glares at him, but there's no heat behind it. "I need to think it all through. I'm not like... opposed to having sex with you."

"Todd, we can go with never having sex. I need you to know that." Dirk's tone softens. "I like what we're already doing. Can we  keep doing that?"

Todd feels like a hundred weights had fallen off his shoulders. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that."

Dirk smiles into his mug of tea. "Good."

They settle into a peaceful quiet. Todd leans his head back against the chair and just breathes.

"You won't run away, though, right?" Dirk pipes up. He was smiling but there was flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. "Even if it's terrible?"

"What? If we have 'boring, boring sex'?" Todd grins.

Dirk sniffs. "Firstly, your accent is still terrible, and secondly, nothing I do can be classified as boring. Or double-boring. And don't you dare even think about triple-boring me."

Todd laughs, loud and bright. "Dirk- we could have the most basic lights off, under-the-covers sex ever and it wouldn't be boring with you. I don't think you're physically capable of that."

"Well- duh." Dirk grins, eyes crinkling.

Todd swats his arm, but doesn't even try to hide his smile.

He feels the lightest he has ever felt in a long, long time.

**Author's Note:**

> there were a couple of scenes in this that ended up getting cut out but i might turn into separate fics. def wont be this length tho lmao  
> not sure where exactly todd is on the spectrum- possibly demi? (and a little sex reluctant idk) dirks probably grey but sex positive  
> also im gonna say writing the canon parts of the fic were not fun cause there was no need to include the entire scene but its hard to choose the parts you want without feeling like u gotta include the rest- it did help me understand character speech patterns tho (dirk is still a struggle tho)
> 
> follow my tumblr clockworkcheetah if u wanna like yell about dghda with me


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